Hello, good morning, happy Friday. First, some personal news: I’ve accepted an offer to join a commercial litigation firm here in Chicago. Earlier this morning I gave my two weeks’ notice to the County. I’m extremely excited to start litigating, my judge is thrilled for me, and by all accounts this new firm is a great fit. I haven’t formally asked them whether I can keep writing this newsletter, but my guess is that at most they will just ask me to not talk about law stuff anymore. Which, fine, that makes sense. I am sure we will figure something out.
Oh, and the beer thing last week was fun as hell. Here is a picture:
And you can click here to see more pictures on my Instagram. I enjoyed the absolute hell out of the beer, just like I said I would. If Ten-Year Beer and Cuvée De Grâce get local distribution near you, pick ‘em up. They’re well worth it. But you don’t have to take my word for it:
Lawyers are Good, Actually
This is a thread. Click it, read it. You might cry.
ACAB
Here Are the Fare-Evasion Enforcement Data the NYPD Fought to Keep Secret, says Vice, with a headline that reminds us all of the plural nature of “data.”
“These transit cops—it’s kind of like entrapment—they literally act like they’re getting on the bus with everyone else,” she said, noting that the cops pulled other people off the bus as well. “Then they yank you off the bus. In front of everyone.”
Kozikowski, who says she lives on a fixed income and is unable to work due to having had five back surgeries over the past 10 years, tried to tell the police officer that she had just used her last swipe and that she was in between checks, all while comforting her four children, aged 7 to 14, who were terrified she would be taken to jail.
Cool, cool cool cool, normal country. Super efficient use of public funds. This, this is the highest and best use of limited police resources.
I mean seriously, what the fuck, right? Say you are the person in charge of making this policy, the person who chooses where to send cops and how to allocate the distribution of officers across the city and across various “beats” or “goals” or whatever you want to call this specific kind of assignment. How the fuck do you actually get to this point, where you decide that fucking up poor people is the best use of time?
This is some broken windows policing bullshit, there have to be more crimes that you can stop and/or solve. And if you have enough free time and available cops that you can afford to spend time and money on this, probably it’s time to fire - sorry, lay off - some cops! Shame on the cops who do this very obviously without remorse, shame on the leadership who designed this plan and assigned the officers without morals to the beat, shame on the whole fucking thing.
Also don’t forget that there is an easy way to solve this entire “problem” and avoid the “need” to beat up poor people for sport and pleasure. Cowards.
He huffed and he puffed and he built a structurally unsound wall
Our big, wet president loves to be mad online. He loves to say “build the wall!” And he started to “build the wall,” and then the wind blew it over. I am sure this is just “fake news.”
I don’t have a lot to add here, it’s just an absurd situation that you can have a little laugh about. As a treat. The article has a good kicker though:
The White House has pushed for construction on the US-Mexico border to be dubbed new wall, according to a former administration official. There was a "constant drumbeat" from the White House to call it "new wall" within the Department of Homeland Security, the official added. "There is a lot of pressure on the President to deliver in the campaign promise."
Acting Customs and Border Protection Commissioner Mark Morgan has previously said he feels "no pressure from the administration to build more miles of wall."
There is a lot of pressure. Also, there is no pressure. The wall is falling over. Everything is fine.
Elsewhere, “a mayor says he was banned from a Trump rally in his own town after asking the campaign to pay for the visit.” Also here is one of my favorite things Alexandra Petri has ever written.
Performance art
I am linking to Amanda’s tweet about this very good article, not just the article itself, because I think the replies are significant. Look at all of these people who are saying this is relatable and accurate! I, too, find this relatable and accurate! You know what I’m going to spend some of my first money from my new job on? Shelves to organize my kitchen, new cookware, etc.! I haven’t had money to cook as much as I would like on the salary I’ve been making, and those of you who know me know I love to cook! I’m looking forward to doing that again.
Young Americans are sometimes described as unwilling or unable to grow up; it might be more accurate to say they’re growing up differently. The traditional markers of adult achievement have yet to click into place for many people in their 20s and 30s, which has required them to reimagine what stability in America might now look like. A dream-kitchen renovation is out of reach for renters, but they can buy a few good tools and have their friends over for dinner. Maybe more important, they can show the world that they’re skilled and sophisticated enough to entertain.
Yeah. That sounds about right.
Oh, and speaking of the not having money thing:
Mom of the month
I mean the tweet sort of makes the story clear, but Pam scored a number of parenting wins here:
She asked to be involved in an activity her kid is interested in
She did so in a way that was zero-pressure and was respectful of boundaries
She was willing to learn how to do the actual thing when teaching was offered
She put effort into doing the learning and developing the requisite skills
SHE FUCKING WON (if you click through you’ll see a reply where Pam beat Caroline head-to-head, which is incredible)
Winning against your children at the games and activities they enjoy is good and cool because it shows you care and gives them goals. Beating your kids at the Pokemon TCG is the same as beating them at basketball - you’re the final boss they have to beat to become themselves, or whatever. It’s just as healthy for their long-term growth and will encourage them to learn more about the skills needed to challenge you again and win.
Pam rules, every parent should be like Pam, I want to buy Pam a coffee. PAM PAM PAM PAM PAM PAM!!!
Ask your kids how to play the games they like. If they get frustrated teaching you, tell them you can try again later, and then go learn how to play on your own. YouTube is great for this, but if you feel especially stuck you can DM me, I volunteer as tribute. I will absolutely volunteer my time to help a parent learn how to play a game with their kid, 100% of the time, every time, even if I’ve never heard of the game before.
This week in LCS
I made you some original content:
Broxah’s visa was delayed, so he didn’t get to play in the first week of LCS matches. Fucking bummer. Team Liquid lost to Cloud9 in the first match of the season, but ended the week 1-1 with a win against TSM (described in the above meme). Honestly, I am pretty happy with that outcome! I was fully expecting a 0-2 week because the team is less familiar with Shern and because his playstyle is super different. Hopefully Broxah gets unleashed soon.
Oh and #FDT.
Butthole check-in
This story is so bizarre that I had to include it, and it is a great example of how an automated algorithm without human oversight can cause serious real-life consequences for unwitting individuals. (Especially minors.)
But, good news:
(Facebook removed the Page after this article was published).
The lesson here is, of course, that only public pressure and enhanced scrutiny will force people (and companies) in power to do what is good and right. Be loud. Ask Katie to write about your butthole’s Facebook page.
Is this securities fraud?
I made you some more original content:
This is of course an adaptation of the classic “TREE LAW!” comic. The idea to make this adaptation has been in my head forever, but I couldn’t remember what the source image was. Then, on Thursday, I had a brain blast and remembered and immediately put this together in Photoshop. I am, obviously, very proud of it. And there is quite the occasion for it:
We have talked before about the federal prosecution of lawyer Michael Avenatti, who, among an assortment of other oddities, is accused of trying to blackmail Nike over alleged secret payments to high school basketball players. Avenatti’s case is a rich generator of hypotheticals, and when we first talked about it last year I suggested, hypothetically, that one way to profit from his knowledge of the payments would have been insider trading. Avenatti, allegedly, went in a different direction (blackmail).
But it seems that he considered the insider-trading approach! Here (via Twitter, and many, many people who sent it to me) is a letter motion that Avenatti’s lawyers filed in his criminal case, asking the judge not to let the jury see Avenatti’s internet search history. Specifically (citations omitted):
Google search for “nike put options” on March 10, 2019
Visit to website “Nasdaq.com — Nike, Inc. (NKE) Option Chain” on March 10, 2019
Google searches related to “insider trading” on March 10, 2019
Oh, Mr. Avenatti.
But actually my favorite news item about the SEC this week is even better. Securities fraud, now a renewable resource:
While the Carpoffs' pitch to investors seemed new and innovative, their alleged fraud was old and simple," said Daniel Michael, Chief of the Enforcement Division's Complex Financial Instruments Unit. "This case is a reminder that fraudsters often try to lure investors by associating themselves with trendy technologies."
Uh. No. That’s not right. They weren’t luring investors by associating themselves with trendy technologies, and their fraud was not an old and simple Ponzi. They were luring investors with tax fraud, and in a sense the Ponzi element was the least important part of it. In fact they never made any Ponzi payments. It’s much better than that.
Matt Levine’s explanation of this scheme is long and detailed, because the scheme itself is long and detailed, but oh my God it is so incredible. It’s clever and complicated and really kind of beautiful, as much as financial crimes that are very obviously against the law and probably not worth the effort can be beautiful. I am not saying you should do financial crimes - decidedly, you should not. But if financial crimes are going to happen, the world is a little less worse off if they are amusing to read about. I mean really:
The feds have seized and auctioned “148 of the Carpoffs’ luxury and collector vehicles, including the 1978 Firebird previously owned by actor Burt Reynolds,” to raise $8.233 million to pay back Berkshire and other investors.
Who has Burt Reynolds’ Firebird now? The DOJ release does not say, and I am a little disappointed. Imagine that story. “Yeah, Burt Reynolds owned this at one point, but I got it because some people did an extremely complicated fraud and used the fraud money to buy it, so the government took it back and auctioned it off to me.” Probably the best story behind buying a car ever. I would love to buy a car that was auctioned off to recoup losses caused by securities fraud.
Bringing home the bacon
Sports Illustrated put out this utterly fascinating piece yesterday about feral hogs. Specifically, the piece opens by describing the practice of mowing them down with rifles from above. In a helicopter.
A lot of people in Texas would say this does not happen enough.
Sure, okay. It turns out that in addition to being a Twitter meme, the feral hogs are also a scourge:
It’s not unheard of for a farmer to take a $70,000 hit overnight. In fact, the federal estimate of the total annual damage done by wild pigs is $1.5 billion. One USDA researcher has called them “the worst invasive species we’ll ever see.”
But this piece from Vox suggests that using a “pork chopper” is not quite as effective as one might imagine:
Unfortunately for the hunters (and farmers ravaged by hogs), the pork chopper law hasn’t been very effective. Aerial hunting is expensive and not particularly popular, and even worse, the pigs are too wily for it, the Dallas Morning News’ Kelley Shannon reports. “The hogs have gotten smart. They kind of recognized what those rotor sounds mean, and they’ve headed for heavy cover,” the Texas Parks Department’s Steve Lightfoot told Shannon the year after the law’s passage.
The SI piece is still a great read, though.
Clarice is sailing over fields of cotton and corn, most of the rows marred by empty patches where pigs rooted out seeds, when Potts slows the chopper and announces, “Here we go.”
You deserve some good animal content
Big week this week. Hope you liked it. See you next week!